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  • Lisa Wheeler

Mum Shame Is REAL

Updated: Nov 16, 2019

I was shocked and saddened to read an article this week where the author was saying women are addicted to, and like to stay in mum shame because it is comfortable.

When I feel guilty and ashamed of my reactive and uncontrollable mum behaviour, the last thing I want to do is stay in it. It feels anything but comfortable.

I have a small group of friends who when we feel this way, one of us will message and say I've had a really bad mum week, I need to debrief and so we do. We talk about our most undignified moments, we cry, we hug, we go home with a greater resolve to be stronger, to work through our stuff and to show up differently.

WE WORRY that we are potentially harming our kids and the mum shame is REAL. But we know that not one of us is perfect and in order for our kids to develop important attributes like empathy, resilience and emotional intelligence, they need the challenges of life. If their worlds were perfect, we'd still be harming our kids because we'd be setting them up for failure. That's not an excuse, that's reality.


For those who are trying their best, there are never mum failures, but instead never-ending lessons. When we regress with our impulsive episodes towards our children, we can unburden ourselves with understanding friends, validate the wounds that caused the reaction, forgive ourselves and focus on responding with love next time.

I turned 49 today and the biggest change I have undertaken since I had my first child 25 years ago is; where once I bought mum-self-help books(and I had them all) teaching me how to alter(or fix) the behaviour of my kids, these days I invest in self help books teaching ME how to transform and evolve (read fix) my behaviour.

My youngest child is 3.8 years old and I have learnt that its me who needs to change. Its me who needs to let go of the negative and repetitive stories of my life.

If I want to change my generational issues (and believe me I do) then I have to do the work. If I don't want to be triggered by my kids, then I have to release my childhood stuff and listen and love my inner child, so that I can become stronger, more emotionally resilient and be in charge of my emotions. Its as simple as that. Not easy, but simple.

Do you have support with releasing your mum shame? Find a friend who you can trust and ask them if they will be your support buddy. Set some boundaries; a bit like an agreement of rules. Agree to never shame each other, never criticise or be judgemental. No overreacting and if you're shocked, pretend you're not. You're there to support and uplift each other.


If you'd like further support with strategies in how to let go of all the past emotional build-up, then check out my website for the programs I offer and contact me HERE, I would love to help you find peace and happiness on a daily basis.

In light and love

Lisa x

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